wise up

it's the last week of schoooool! oh my. summertime, here i come.

i need:

-job
-money
-friends
-to cancel my housing contract for next year

i'm really afraid of so many things. it's debilitating. that in itself scares me.

guys i think i might actually have swine flu.

i will get better though it is ok. people don't actually die from it unless they live in mexico or are of mexican descent so no worries broskies

first non-miserable entry in awhile..

well, start off with the little shit to get it out of the way: THIS BUILDING'S AIR CONDITIONING ISN'T ON AND I DOUBT THEY WILL TURN IT ON SO SLEEPING IS IMPOSSIBLE NOW FUCKKKKK

ALSO I HAVE A COLD AND IT'S BEEN HOT OUT (HENCE THE A/C CALAMITY) SO I FEEL AWFULLLLLLL

ok. so!

last week of school! (then there's finals week, but i don't have any <3) hooome stretch!

i got some shorts today yayyyy i finally own shorts! and i got $50 in kohls cash from my mom, so i'm gonna go shopping some time this week so that i can get a new swimsuit and some more summer clothes. woop woop! things are lookin up.

joe lent me money and i sold some shit so i barely have enough cash to make this month's car payment.. it amazes me how i've been able to scrounge up dollars at the end of each month to pay up. whew.

i should stop writing cause my desk light's on and my roommate just went to bed so yeah. time for [attempted] slumber. LOL YEAH RIGHT like that's gonna happen

worst, most dramatic weekend ever, on all accounts.

so much work to do

i might collapse

1. an entire drawing assignment of 382904832904823 ribbons by 1:10pm tomorrow
2. a 5 page research paper (on overpopulation) to begin/research/complete by 8:10pm tomorrow night
3. $100 to make for a car payment in 5 days with no source of income
4. a mythology final project consisting of writing several songs and making a cd, due in a week
5. purchasing english credits for $20
6. completing and turning in my honors distribution form, due may 1
7. finding a collision place that will repair my car for cheaper so i can keep the difference from the first place

fucking shit.

it was sad

i still miss brendan

i am feeling better

--------------------------------

things are happening but i don't know what they are

my mom called me tonight as andrew and i were walking to country diner at about 930

and told me

my stepbrother killed himself.

my stepdad apparently had walked into the basement of the house (brendan's room is in the basement) and found him hanging in the shop about a half hour before the phone call.

that is so fucked up i can't even believe it

my fucking stepbrother is dead

he was like 25

and i can't even imagine how my stepdad must have felt

to walk into the fucking basement

and find his fucking son

dead







i haven't even been able to cry or anything

it still feels unreal and far away and i wish it would just fucking sink in so that i can sob it all away

i love you brendan and i miss you so much

hello.

it amazes me how much i have changed and yet, in other ways, i am exactly the fucking same.

my fickleness freaks me out and pisses me off

but it also can feel really liberating. it's kind of a breath of fresh air.

except it really sucks consequence-wise.

like.. while i enjoy the spontaneity of it, i detest how fleeting and pointless it makes my emotions feel to me.

i've tried really hard but it looks like this is something that really isn't going to go away.
but i'm still gonna keep trying. it hurts people too much. and that hurts me.

oh my god, i had the best/easiest breakup EVER

oh my god.

i am so grateful.

holy shit.

and we are still like great frenzzz i love being alive it is the greatest fucking thing

i feel like everything might just work out. things are ok. i am ok. i am good. not looking forward to summer very much. i feel like i will be lonely. but i am gonna ignore those feelings for now. i am happy and optimistic and just AHHHH in a generally good mood. i think i'll be alright. yep yep yep.

i am in one.

i think like, two people know what i am talking about.

god why does this shit always happen to me fuck god damn

( sideways because it looks better that way. )

i swear to god, bad timing = story of my life.

i need to watch the fountain. i'd feel better. :/ too bad all there is to do is sleep.